I thought that this post would be going very different. I know that some of you are aware of our infertility that we have. This last month Ryan and I chose to give INVETRO one more chance. It was a long proses and painful just like it was back in June. But this time we felt different. We did all of the shots and the pills and the appointments. This last Sunday we were getting the call to see if it worked or not. They had transferred 2 embeors. We were very hopeful. It was great I had my parents with us along with the Foster family and the Greehalgh's had surprised me and drove out from ABQ to be hear to support us with the out come. It was very nice to have them all there. Well time had finally come and Ryan got the phone call from our Dr. I could not be in the room when this all took place. We were all standing in the kitchen when Ryan walked in and shouted WE ARE PREGNANT!!! We all jumped and crayed and hugged and kissed. I never in my life thought that I would here or say those words.
The next day came and my parents went back home and my sisters and there family's played. But to my horror I started to bleed. I was so scared and I could not contain my tears. I bleed for the next few day and cramped. Come Friday evening when I would have been 5 weeks I got the call from the Dr that it was true. I had miscarried my two babies.
I don't even know what to do at this point. I feel like I am going crazy. I am trying to find the good in this but I am having a really hard time. My loss of 6 children is some thing that I never thought I would have to go through. I don't even know what els to type. I wish that I had more faith. Maybe that is why this is happening. He has given this trial to me and I am still trying to sort it all out. I am gratefully for all of the prayers and thought of every one. Know that I love my Husband more than anything and with him by my side I want to make it. I love you all and I am grateful for every one of you out there.....Please pardon all of my spelling mistakes and pour gramer.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
My Endless Heart Break
Posted by shanda at 12:28 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
27 comments:
Shanda. Please know that I'm crying with you at this moment in my li'l corner of the universe. I wish I could be closer at this moment.
Shanda and P, we love you guys and are so sorry for all that you have been through! I ache for you guys, but just know that you're not alone through these tough times.
Shanda and Ryan,
I am so sorry that you guys are going through all of this. My heart breaks for you. I really am aching for you. Please know how dear you are and I believe you are so strong. I am just so in awe of your strength. I love you and I wish there was something I could do or say to take away your hurt. I love you Shanda!! Hang in there!
Shanda you are so amazing. After all you've been through, you still amazingly have the strength to be the nicest person in the world. You are the best friend anyone could ask for and I am sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something that I could do to help you feel better. I will keep you and Ryan in my prayers. Love you girl!!
You two are in my prayers also. Shanda- you are such a wonderful person and you deserve the world. I know that God has a VERY special plan for you so please stay strong and believe in him to help you through this and see the good that is to come. I too wish that I could say or do something to make your hurting end... Please know that I am here for you whenever you need another friend.
I love both of you so much. Please see my comment on my blog...
Mommy
YO, How can one put i n to words the pain and difficult task of saying, "Im sorry for your loss"? you can't because untill you feel that pain, then you can't even begin to imagine what that person is going through. Shanda and Rayan, I know we haven't known each other for long but just know that you are not being punished, you guys are good people and God loves you, trust that he knows what you are going through. Your losses wil be made up, You are not alone in these hard times. We pray for you both.....
Love David & Jenny
My heart hurts for you and Ryan. I hope and pray that the pain will subside as quickly as possible but through this greiving stage, I am here for you..........ALWAYS!Lolly
Hi Shanda, it's Jen's friend Katie. Thank you for your comment on my blog.
I want you to know that your faith or lack thereof is not the reason for your loss. That is not the way our Heavenly Father teaches us. He leads us in love but he does not punish. Your faith is enough. We've been promised that we'd never be given a trial that we cannot overcome or that we can't handle and our Heavenly Father accecpts your faith and He loves you regardless of how small. Having read your post, I can tell you that I believe that you wouldn't have tried the invetro if you didn't have faith. Remember that. You have faith- sometimes, like a seed, it's buried deep inside of ourselves. It will blossom. Just keep that in mind.
My husband and I were discussing our lost children last night. He made a profound statement that has stuck with me. He told me that although we may not have the ability to build our earthly family at this time, that we have indeed begun to build our heavenly family. Our children, as well as yours are there waiting for us. They have received their bodies in the Holy covenant of Eternal Marriage and they are promised to us as we continue in our Heavenly Father's path.
You are loved. Your prayers have been heard. Your plea reminds me of a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 98:1-2. (Sorry to write a book but I feel compelled)
Basically, the Lord has said in these scriptures to: “Fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth.” To me, this means "I've heard your prayers. Believe and I will show you."
All too often we (all of us) say "show me Lord and I will believe," or "answer me in my distress Lord and I will rejoice and give thanks." The truth in trial is just the opposite of the natural man. The Lord says "Believe and I will show you," and "Rejoice and give thanks and I will answer you in your distress."
Believe Him. Trust Him. He's heard your prayers. He knows your pain for He felt it. Your children love you and you are a mother.
Please email me at katie.doty@yahoo.com. I'd love to be able to correspond with you. I also have a private blog devoted to my struggles through infertility and loss.
Keep your chin up. Again, I apologize for the long comment. I hope to hear from you soon.
Shanda, your strength shines through in every word. Never give up hope of your dream of becoming a mother. Those children will be waiting for you someday. I'm so sorry for your loss, it breaks my heart. Alternatives will always be there, please don't give up. I love you Shanda! You are the best.
Shanda,
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I regularly ask Janell about you.
Oh Shanda my heart is just breaking right now. I wish I had words of comfort to offer you. But all I can tell you is that I love you so much, and you truly have been in my thoughts and in my prayrs.
Shanda and Ryan,
Brad and I are praying for you. You both have been through so much and I'm glad that you are still alive and here with us. You are so strong and amazing people. We love you both!
Oh sweet Shanda! Words can begin to express how sad I am for you. I know how deeply you and Ryan want this, and from a woman's perspective how devestating it can be to have your dreams of fulfilling what you know you were put here to do crash down. There is a light at the end of a sometimes long tunnel, but grab on to that small spec...it is out there. You will never fully heal from this, but in my experience it can get easier for you if you don't let doubt and bitterness creep in--that is SO easy to do. Keep a positive attitude and look for the small blessings in your life everyday and you will survive this too. Know that you are in my prayers. Please call me if you need anything...even just to talk 870-5276. Let's get together and do lunch! Love you.
Shanda and Ryan (and Princess Aurora) : ) I know there will be a day when we can look back and say, "I truly endured that trial the best I knew how" and we will see the growth and strength that came from it. I will be here the entire way - have your ups and downs but make sure you always end up on the positive side! I love you and my children absolutely adore you!! Call whenever - I love you! Love, Linner
Shanda & Ryan,
There are no words that can make you feel better right now and stop the hurt. But know that Heavenly Father loves you very much, He would never put a burden upon your shoulders that you cant bear. We love you very much.You and Ryan are great loving people,many blessings will come from this even though right know it doesnt feel like it.Know that you are always in our prayers and our thoughts. The Lord always has a plan even thuogh it may not make sense to us. Your Faith is strong and the Lord knows it, this not a punishment its a trial, HE LOVES YOU never forget that.
We love you!!!
Dear Shanda and Ryan,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know this last year has been particularly hard for you. My heart aches for your struggles in which you have endured.
I know there have been times in my life where I feel that my faith is dwindling, but I can usually rejuvinate it with hope. Hope is so important, without it there is no peace. Really search the scriptures and turn to the Lord at this time, I know it is difficult when you are hurting, but it truly is the only way to find comfort and solace through such grief.
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I know amazing miracles will happen for you and your family!
Love,
Karine
Shanda & Ryan,
I feel so deeply for your loss and you are in my constant prayers. I don't know if I am feeling the same way, but we are experiencing the same trial. My heart aches like it never has and I am so empathic towards your 'endless heart break."
Please call me when you feel like, I would like to talk to you about some things (ivf and so on)...
Love you, audrey
Shanda, I am sorry. That doesn't take the pain and hurt away, I know. But know I love you, your Heavenly Father and Savior DO love you and though none of this makes sense right now, I believe one day it will. We have to believe that, right? What else do we have if not our faith?
Shanda and Ryan,
Hang in there we love you guys! We know that you will both pull through it together. You have so many people who care about your family. You both have so many wonderful talents that bless each of our lives. Looking to the future; we know that this blog will be plastered with messages from happier times ahead.
Shanda, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers regularly.
We love you and we are so sorry for all that you have been trough.
Shanda, I am so sorry. I love you, miss you and pray for you.
I am speechless! We are so sad to hear that it didn't work again! We love you both, and are here for you always.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you guys, and have been keeping you in my prayers. My heart hurts for you both, seeing you struggle like you have. I hope that you both know how much Dustin and I care about you guys so much, and are here for you if you ever need anything. Stay close together, and look to one another for strength. We Love you!
I know it is hard. It is especially hard with matters of the family. I really wish we lived closer so I could visit. Like everyone has said, you are not alone even if you feel like you are. I hate that this is happening to you. I hate that it happens to anyone.
I have a friend who keeps a blog about their infertility issues. If you are interested http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com/
Shanda, there are no words that I could possibly say to help this pain go away. I wish more than anything I could take the pain from you. Faith is an extremely hard thing to have when you feel like all you want to do is follow the commandment to multiply and replenish. If it helps at all and I am sure you already remember this but Our Savior does know exactly what you are going though. He has felt every heartbreak and pain that you are feeling. He is there for you and so are Mike and I. You are in our hearts and prayers. If there is anything we could do for you please let us know.
Post a Comment